And now he will never know

He told me he loved me. On a lazy Thursday afternoon (yes, some of us have lazy Thursday afternoons) as we lay goofing around in bed. Phone in my hand, playing candy crush or something of the sort. head on his chest, his hand lazily tracing a zigzag on my thigh.

Hold, up. That took me a second to process. what was that he just said? Phone dropped, candy crush forgotten. Head up, looking at him cheeky smile on my face. Are those tears in his eyes? I am not imagining this. No. I’m not. Ok… A split second. “Awwww”. I stupidly mumble and lean in for a kiss. “Are you ok?” I ask  palm on his forehead as I pretend to check his temperature taking the seriousness out of the moment. He laughs. Draws me closer. “Yea, never been better.” I get a kiss back. On my forehead. “Come on, lets see if you can finish this level, he says handing me back my phone.  A fleeting moment.  it has passed. Gone. How I wish…

He leaves a couple of hours later. Things have been done, romantic things, naughty things, sweet things. Naps  have been taken, showers had, cuddles given, food consumed, beds made, dishes washed. Life. Routine texts.  Thanks for a lovely time, hope you got home ok.  Yea, got home ok, have a lovely shift tonight. Good nights exchanged, life goes on.

Text comes in at 2 in the morning. Busy at work. Shouldn’t even have my phone at work. Busy busy busy. Phone ignored, text forgotten. Running around. Bells won’t stop ringing.  10 minute coffee break at 0400. Oh wait, wasn’t there a text I received a couple of hours ago? Might be Vodafone reminding me to top up my bundles. It’s not.


Him: I am feeling extremely depressed at the moment, It has just hit me like a train.

Me: (Alert, coffee mug pushed aside without even a sip). Hey, are you awake?

Him: Yep.

Me: How you feeling? Sorry was a little bit held up at work.

Him: That’s ok. I feel like shit.

Me: Ooook, not good. Anything in particular happen to cause this?

Him: No, I don’t know. I just feel so unwell. Unsettled,  Like total crap. Hopeless.

Me: Oh baby, i’m sorry to hear that. have you taken your medication? Did something trigger today’s feelings? (We have been through this before, the medic in me is on high alert). Anything I can do to help? (I now have this sinking feeling down in my gut. A bad taste in my mouth. I get up, coffee mug in hand, coffee down the drain).

Him: Medication taken, nothing in particular, it just comes this feeling. Thanks but nothing you can do to help. No one can help. I will sail through it. 🙂

My break is up. I manage to sneak in a few more texts. He manages to assure me he is ok. Work is busy. Seems busier than usual tonight. I’m feeling some type of way. It gets worse. Somebody has had a fall, incident reports to fill, pads to change, medications to sign off and help administer, early morning showers, hand over and stuff, it just never ends. My back hurts, my legs hurt, what!? even my brain hurts. My eyes are heavy. I need a coffee somebody please!

Finally, 0700, time to knock off. I’m in the car. Key in the ignition. sleep on my mind. Eyes refusing to cooperate. Phone in hand.

Me: Hey babe, you up?

Him: Yes never even slept.

Me: Oh! No sleep at all! how are you feeling? Better? Doctors or Work?

Him: No. No work. Not ever.

Me: Oh that bad huh? Want me to come over? You can come over if you like? Maybe we should call the doctor?

Him: Nah, i’ll be fine. You know me. You go home and sleep. (Always thinking about others this one). Catch you later. Get home safe.

How I make the 20 minute drive home is short of a miracle. It’s a blur how I shower and get dressed for bed. What is this unsettling feeling  in my gut? I unconsciously swap my pillow for his. Why does he always smell so good though? I smile sleepily. Better text him see if he is ok.

Me: Babe?

I wake up with  groggily. My clock says is 1400. How did I manage to sleep that long? A reminder of our last conversation jolts me to alertness. I must have fallen asleep waiting for his reply. I reach for my phone. No reply yet.  Mhhh… this is so unlike him. Maybe he decided to go to work after all I reason hopefully. I will call him anyway. No dial tone. Call cancels immediately? Strange. Very strange.

Why am I wiping tears off my face? I don’t remember the drive to his place. It does not even occur to me that I am driving around in my pyjamas at two o’clock in the afternoon. I do not even care. Cars  on his drive way. Why are there cars on his driveway? I park across the street. Door bell ringing. An oddly familiar older lady opens the door. Looks like she has been crying. I take a closer look. His mother? Why is his mother opening His door? Why? We look at each other in silence. I give her the ‘where is he?’ look. She makes the first move. Hugs me. Gut wrenching sobs.

Me: He came to say goodbye. Said he loved me. I said nothing, and now, now he will never know.

NOTE: Depression is real. Suicide is not the answer. Please seek help. For you and for your loved ones.