The War Within


Choices; They have consequences. You know this, I know this. Everybody knows this. Yet we still make some messed up ones.

Pick up the phone, put it down. Pick it up again, dial, chicken out, and hang up after the first ring. Kick yourself in the butt. Put phone down. Pick up your tablet, go to YouTube. Listen to sad love songs. Have a hard time falling asleep. Maybe cry a little. Pick up the phone again. That phone next to you is like a pimple, as much as you want to avoid it, you can’t. You know it’s there, it won’t leave you alone, and the itch just won’t go away. You scratch the itch. First mistake.

Rule number one: Never scratch the itch.

You go to Whatsapp, damn you Whatsapp! Kidum-Mpenzi is playing on the background. You go through your past chats. The ones that made you smile like a fool alone on the bus, the ones that made you cry alone late at night in your bed. The ones that left you feeling vulnerable, exposed and alone. Stop it Kidum, what do you know about “Kutekwa ndani ya mtando wa mapenzi” anyway? Who needs lessons on “mapenzi ya fujo”? That itch, you keep scratching it. You know you shouldn’t, but you do it anyway.

Rule number two: Don’t keep scratching the damn itch!!!

But rules were not made for the likes of you. No, away with the rules. You scratch some more it feels good at first. You scroll down to the last message, yours. He hasn’t said a thing, but why should he? You asked him not to.

YouTube should just leave you alone. Now you are listening to songs you didn’t even know existed. Juliana & Bushoke “Usiende mbali” is now playing. Messing with your head. Taking you to a good place but not quite. You know the consequences of scratching an itch at this point, you are beyond caring. Why oh why do you still have those past chats five months down the line? Is it a sign of denial? It’s 1:58am. You have no business being awake but an itch is an itch.

You scroll back to the day it was all taken away from you. When your heart was ripped out of your chest and crushed to pieces which you are still trying to piece together to date. You curse under your breath. That scratching doesn’t feel good any more but the damage is done. That pimple is a mess. It hurts like a mother.  So much so, it doesn’t feel like it’s even been five months. The memories have made themselves at home in your brain. They have bought a comfortable couch and have even subscribed to Netflix. When they are not chilling, they are busy haunting you like little stubborn ghosts.  The pimple is bleeding. What the hell, you might as well. So you open your gallery and look at the photos.(You still have those photos?Seriously?) By now you are oblivious to whatever YouTube is trying to forcefully shove into your ears.

You look at that face. That face your arms know well, so well you can trace it with your eyes closed. Lips that kissed the pain away, lips that hold secrets only two lovers can know.Lips that whispered sweet nothings to you during moments of unbridled passion.Yet the same lips that spewed hateful hurtful words without a second thought. A smile so mischievous that years down the line still sends shivers down your spine. Eyes that looked deep into your soul and from which conspiratorial winks were once delivered leaving you red to your toes. A neck that bruised so easily and as a result constantly but proudly bore tattoo evidence of your love. Shoulders so strong and inviting they had you lean on them even when you were not crying. Hands, hands that know everything there is to know about you. Hands that explored and took you places. Hands that know you so intimately, you look away slightly embarrassed.

Love is stupid, and so are pimples by the way. You wish picking up the phone and calling was as easy as it used to be. You almost, just almost beat yourself up for not taking a chance to get back together last month when it presented itself. You feel your resolve weakening.  Your girlfriends will have your hide for this. (I don’t mean you Renee). You know why you did not take that chance. Stupid it may be, but love should not hurt, love should make you cry only happy tears, love stands by you when things get tough. It is about trust, and compromise for all involved. Love is patient, love is kind so on and so forth. You get the point.

You put the phone down. Turn off your electronics, turn off the lights and oh crap, it is 2:28am. Better go to sleep. You may have scratched that pimple today to the point of bleeding, but you left it at that, before it got worse.  Today you have won the war. A little bit at least.

Rule number three: Never ever forget that even scratched bleeding pimples (though they may leave a scar) heal.


A-Z 2015 Friend List

The other night, when insomnia decided to take a hold of me, I lay in bed and thought about my life. These kind of thoughts usually take place at the most random of times don’t you think? At 3-4am. They say this is also the time the body is at its weakest and people tend to pass on at this hour? Creepy huh? So anyway, I lay there not feeling weak (thank God) and seriously thought about my life this past year.

As I was thinking, something I had done during the day crossed my mind. It hit me that I am in a profession where we applaud people for taking a shit and I love it(my profession that is!).That thought made me laugh, yeah! I was laughing alone in bed at 3am. For a moment there I doubted my own sanity. Then I realized that I maybe had taken 2015 too seriously. Life is never that serious now is it? Laugh a little. Even at 3am.

It’s a little overdue but 2016 is still young. I contemplated not doing this. Writing no longer appeals to me as it once did, but what the Heck? So let’s do a 2015 friends list. As usual it is in alphabetical order. These are the people that made my 2015 what it was in one way or another, those that drove me inase and those that helped me remain sane.

Apple: Always at the top of my list, and not just alphabetically. You are God sent. Thanks for letting me vent, for offering your shoulder regardless of the distance, for the prayers, the commitment, the laughs, the love and the crazy advice. I’ll keep it short. You know your worth.

BonkeD: You know someone is your friend when you move houses and have nothing, then during a random conversation you mention a craving for eggs and they drive over from their house just to bring you eggs, a frying pan and scorch bright to clean the pan after making the eggs. If that is not friendship, I don’t know what is. You go girl. Dec is just around the corner.#thisyearmanenoz.

Cotton: Still trying to figure out what I will feed you when I take you to Kenya. Will probably just abandon you in Mombasa and hope you find a way to survive. Thanks for being the most awesome chauffeur, tour guide, driving instructor, and generally just an amazing friend. Freedom was long overdue.

Dear Bro: I am forever indebted to you. May God bless you and yours. I only have one of you, but that doesn’t matter, you are irreplaceable. Sometimes I feel kind of sad that you do not have a brother and therefore do not know just how awesome it is to have one.

Doc: Let’s get whatever it is we need to get out of the way already and go on with our lives for goodness sake!!! Jeez!!!You are a soldier and you are amazing.Cheers to happiness,peace of mind, blah blah blah? No? Ok. Kunguru it is then.

Fray: Who would have thought? Why did it take us this long to be friends when we were in the same school for three years and have so much in common? Doesn’t even matter. I am blessed to have you as part of this list. Project 2016, let’s see who gets to it first. Me or you.

JayJay: You should have appeared in these posts years ago. Better late than never though. You are missed, loved and ever so appreciated. Your soul is kind and your conversations are always so captivating.

LK: Ati I should do what now? What mind set? Change it? Change churches too? I’d like to hear what Tenya thinks about that(lol). I know I am not allowed to say Thank you, but how can I not? Ok, I wont. Thanks. x.

Mish: Not even the distance. A forever constant whether I say it or not. Was just thinking about this the other day, that time we were in Nai together, why did we not even take a photo? Guess the best memories don’t need to be put on film, they are forever engraved in our minds and hearts.

Mrs. Marangeti: Congratulations. May your 2016 be filled with blessings (wink?). You have gotten busy, but I will make you  make it up to me don’t even doubt it. I keep checking my mailbox for this video I was promised.

PeachyPeach: Thank you. Thank you for showing me my worth. For making me understand that I deserve the best and then some. Thank you for strengthening my resolve. For making me realize that I can get through whatever even during the times when all I want to do is lay down and die. I wish you nothing but happiness in 2016. May all your dreams come true.

Renee: Do you remember threatening to come over here and slap sense into my thick head? Girl stay put. No need for that as my head is no longer thick and though it may have taken a while, sense sank. You are a beautiful and strong.I can’t wait to see what you will be up to this year. Fancy seeing you on TV like that. Now I know how you look!

The fact that this list gets shorter every year has not gone unnoticed. For the forever constants, I got mad love. For the newcomers welcome. To my family, what would I be without you all? To all my other friends, you are appreciated.